I remember the day I arrived to Chicago for the first time. I was visiting my future graduate school without realizing I would commit to a university 700 miles and a time zone away from home. Seeing the city was a dream come true that I never knew I had. The thought of being independent had never crossed my mind. Being depressed and having generalized anxiety, which I now know I struggle with due to a recent diagnosis, I had always relied on people to keep me going. The move seemed exciting at first. The nerves were there, but I was just looking forward to the opportunity to pursue my dream career.
It took 12 hours to drive from DC to Chicago. My mother helped move me into my first apartment with 3 roommates and a bathroom to share. Like many of the apartment buildings in Chicago, it was old with character. However, you could practically close your eyes and point anywhere, landing on something that could be fixed. Shopping to decorate my room felt like undergrad all over again - personalizing my space that I could call my sanctuary, inviting my new friends over to have late night hangs and study dates, and exploring a new city. However, little did I know how hard it would be to live life in a new environment with depression and anxiety all on my own.
I didn’t get out much the first month. And to be honest, I still haven’t explored the city as much as I would have liked to by now, after 2 months of living here. Most people would be eager to have something new to explore. I hear all the time from old friends and family members, “Take lots of pictures for me! Go sight seeing! It's amazing that you can choose what you want to do without worrying about what others want to do. You are in control of your life now!” It certainly didn’t feel that way.
The first 2 weeks I was in Chicago, I didn’t leave my neighborhood. To be fair, I barely left my bed. I went without showering for weeks at a time. I watched enough Netflix for a whole year, going through whole run throughs of New Girl, Atypical, Sex Education, and the Office. I also stayed up at night. Most nights I wouldn’t fall asleep until 4am. The thought of leaving my apartment, taking public transportation, getting lost, being unable to find my way back home, being alone… it felt daunting. It was debilitating, disabling. I fully succumbed to the symptoms of my depression and anxiety. Being in a new city by myself for the first time without the ability to run home to my parents’ house finally allowed me to stop ignoring my mental health issues.
Yes, family is only a phone call away. I can always text my friends when I’m bored and haven’t had any human contact for weeks. But the truth is, even with technology, living by yourself (even with roommates that you eventually begin to know) is miserable. People thrive on touch and physical intimacy, and I didn’t receive a hug for a full month. The lack of human interaction exacerbated my symptoms. How could I create a new home for myself if I had no immediate network in reach?
Needless to say, the transition hasn’t been easy. But, what I have found is that when you are tackling a new city for the first time, alone, and with depression and anxiety, you have to take it day by day in order to move forward. Baby steps… I started with the neighborhood. Walking down the block and coming back home. Then, I visited my local grocery store. Getting food items to cook for myself and meal planning helped me get out of bed more often without overdoing it. Now, I have gone into the city a few times with a ride share service with students from my cohort. I have also practiced using public transportation to and from my apartment when school is in session. I have finally worked up to being able to go into the city by myself with public transit. That took me 2 months to figure out, but I was still exhausted when I came back.
Knowing your limits is a necessity when you are going through a new transition. It’s essential that you don’t push yourself. It’s easy to think that you need to get out of the house, because come on, everyone else does it, right? No - take care of yourself. A transition this big deserves to be handled with care. Your well being matters. The more you take the time to embrace the move and handle it with care, the smoother the ride will be.
This move was a huge change in my life and brought about new understandings of my identity, what is important to me, and what I want to do with my life and for myself. Although it has amplified my struggles with mental illness, it has helped me understand how I move through the world. I deserve to love this part of my life, even when it brings the bad. In order to do that, I’m taking it day by day and slowly, I’m beginning to find my home in Chicago.
Image by: @IcaImages