Trigger warning: mental illness and suicidal ideation
Being diagnosed with 3 separate mental illnesses has brought me not only closure, but also opportunity for growth, self-acceptance, and self-awareness. I am learning more about myself every day and how these diagnoses and symptoms manifest themselves in my thoughts and behaviors. Below, I am going to answer the question: what is it like living with depression, anxiety, and PTSD? Symptoms vary between people, but this is how the illnesses express themselves in my life. It is important to remember that depression, anxiety, and PTSD all look different depending on the person and their life. Mental illness is not black or white - there are plenty of gray areas and nuances between individuals. One's experience with mental illness is not truer than another's. By talking about my expression of symptoms, I aim to shed light on how many different experiences of illness can be validated without discrediting another's symptoms simply because they don't match mine. I hope this piece provides a better picture for you all that mental illness is nothing to be scared of, but something that should be understood and accepted. With that being said, here's a deeper look into my day to day life with mental illness...
1. Depression
Looking back on my life, I can't remember a time where I wasn't depressed. I can have happy moments, but my overall baseline mood is a depressed state. There seems as if there is a fine line between laziness and mental illness, and with depression, those lines are blurred. I find the easiest tasks (for others) to be overly difficult for me. I have gone up to a whole week without showering and multiple days without brushing my teeth. I will often wear the same clothing days in a row and I won't touch my laundry until I ran out of clothes a week ago. When you're depressed, it's hard to keep track of time. It goes by so slowly, but at the same time, it goes by so quickly. Days feel long, but once you look at the clock, you realize that it's 4am and you're scared to go to bed even though you are the most tired you've ever been. But once you go to sleep, it's impossible to wake up before noon. My appetite is not regular at all. Some people who are depressed don't eat, but in my case, I eat all the time. Since I'm feeling lonely and sad at all hours of the day, the only company I have and temporary satisfaction I get throughout the day is eating food. Usually it is sweets and soda, but when I want to try to eat something else, I remember that I am too tired to cook so I order every meal and have it delivered to me. I order a large pizza 2-3 times a week and eat it in one sitting. Because of my diet and the lack of exercise I get, my body is fatigued. I remember this one time I was walking to the library from my apartment to try to get at least one out of the 15 readings done for the week. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk in broad daylight and burst into tears because the thought of walking any further wore me out. The thought of even trying to read my books exhausted me. But how was I supposed to get back to my apartment if I was already tired? I cried some more. In case you haven't guessed yet, I cry a lot. Suicidal thoughts are common, especially with the feelings of guilt and lack of confidence in myself to be the change I want to see in myself. The desire to escape the pain of sadness and exhaustion is so strong that I often times do not see any other way out besides leaving this earth. It's scary to think this way, and the fantasies of killing myself through overdose, self harm, or jumping off my apartment building usually snap me back into reality. What would my family do without me? Would they care? Even if they did care, wouldn't they be better off without seeing me fail and having to explain to their friends why I am such a disappointment to them? I know my thoughts, habits, and behaviors are frightening and abnormal, but the depression prevents me from changing. I tell myself every night that tomorrow is the day I am going to wake up and change my ways. But every morning, I remember that I am sick.
2. Anxiety
Or am I lazy? That question is my generalized anxiety talking. Depression in combination with anxiety brings an unhealthy thought cycle that is hard to break. It feels like the scenario where there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, except both are devils on either side. The one is saying that you can't work, go to school, and live your life happily. The other one is saying there shouldn't be an excuse for laying in bed for 3 months (and counting). I should be doing my school work that I am paying so much money to be assigned. I think about how much reading my peers are doing, how they are catching up on assignments that are due, and are connecting what we are learning in class to practice better therapy to their clients at their field placements. So I better get started... right? But here's the thing about anxiety - I freak myself out so much, I end up not doing anything. Procrastination is a habit that many people suffer from. It manifests from a person's inability to handle the uncomfortable emotions that are coming up from the task at hand. For me, I fear failure. My anxiety tells me that I won't be able to understand the readings and even if I try to do my work, I won't finish in time anyways so there is no point in trying. But if I don't do the work, I will be called out in class and be viewed as stupid, and I can't fail... see the cycle?? It never ends. But the anxiety doesn't stop there. The thing about Generalized Anxiety Disorder is that the worry extends past one arena of your life. I constantly feel on edge. I have a habit of picking at my body. This includes biting my nails until they get infected, picking at my skin raw while creating scars, and peeling my lips until they bleed. I often forget how to breathe. I constantly have to remind myself to take a breath, which is something we shouldn't have to think about as living beings, considering it's the first thing we learn when we are born. I make choices about where to go and what to do based on my anxiety. I feel unsafe traveling on my own. Taking public transportation by myself has led me to have multiple panic attacks on trains and in Ubers. I don't feel secure walking by myself and will often put errands off if I have to go into public alone. Anxiety limits my ability to go out and have fun when I have those spur of the moments of desire in the midst of my depression. It's another layer that keeps me tied to my bed. The fear of doing anything also brings back those suicidal thoughts. I can't handle even the simplest tasks, so what makes me think I can handle living a long life with all the trials and tribulations that are ahead of me?
3. PTSD
Finally, my PTSD is something I am still figuring out. I feel as if it deserves its own post, because it is tied to a specific moment in my life that caused my general fear of men. Without warning, I get a rush of anxiety. It usually happens when my body senses a trigger and a sense that my safety is threatened. This could be a man walking towards me on the sidewalk, a man staring at me on the bus, or even a guy approaching me at a bar and trying to get to know me. I hold my breath, try to freeze, but ultimately give in so in order to make sure I am safe, I do what they want without conflict. I often feel this pressure in my chest, like a weight that's causing me to be paralyzed. I try to move my body by wiggling my toes and fingers, reminding me that I am still here and alive. But my body dissociates. I lose feeling from my hips down to my feet. By only feeling the top half of my body, it's impossible to escape. Because when I tried to escape in the past, I was always punished for it. I zone out, not hearing anything anyone says to me. I often forget details of the experience and even that day. My sense of time is all out of wack ever since my first episode. While this is one of the scariest things I have ever had to experience, I have found that the easiest way to get through an episode is to give into it. It sounds odd. Why let your body feel that way? But I have to remind myself that it is adaptive. If my body is telling me it doesn't feel safe and it needs to shut down for a bit until the threat is gone, I need to listen to it. I must be kind to it. The sooner I can relax the state of mind I am in, the sooner I can teach my body that not all triggers are threats.
By accepting my mental illnesses, I can handle the days better as they go on. Slowly but surely, I am learning how to get by with mental illness instead of just wishing it away - learning to love myself despite my chemical imbalances and negative experiences that I didn't deserve. While I may not feel better now, at least I know more. After all, knowledge is power, right? Ultimately, I'm beginning to find the strength in my weaknesses.
Image by: @IcaImages